i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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