sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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