she woke up with a sticky ear
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
