The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
