I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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