Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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