Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
what is it with giant penises always finding me
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize