I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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