I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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