Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
how drunk are you?
Several
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
