I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
