dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
