I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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