this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
