Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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