Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
