Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.