i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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