MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
It's rum buckets o'clock
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager