I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
