A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
