I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
