For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
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One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
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Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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