Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
