I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Randomize
