well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
