the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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