We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
