I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Bring me that man meat
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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