Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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