Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
