I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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