i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
