I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
