yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Randomize
