She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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