i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
im six kinds of drunk right now
I wish you could order shots online.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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