Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
