He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
