I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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