Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
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