i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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