some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
