Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
