WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
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My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
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My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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