Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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