saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
