Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Randomize
