i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
