WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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