I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
