We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
