I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
