Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
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should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
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Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps