my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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