How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
